I've never done a blog, but since things are going to hell in a speeding train that is running out of tracks, I figured this might help me keep from losing my mind. Sit back and enjoy the ride, it's sure to be chaotic.
I've been doing pretty good postpartum wise until just about a week or so ago. I started to notice I wasn't as "happy" as I usually am. I noticed I was developing an I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FIG attitude about everything. I didn't care if I took a bath or shower. I didn't care if I ate. I didn't care if the house was clean. THAT IS SO NOT ME!! I chalked it up to the new routine of the new baby and Trinity starting school the same day I had the baby. Then the props started getting knocked out from under me one at a time.
Gary got bumped at work and his choices were pretty cut and dried. Either take an alternate position, with a $200 week pay cut, or find another job. Well, he took the alternate position and we started tightening the belt.
I gave birth quite rapidly to my beautiful daughter Destiny at 1:16am on 8/20 and Trinity started her first day of school the same day. Gary barely made it to the hospital in time to be there as Destiny made her grand entrance, a full 20 minutes BEFORE the doctor arrived. He had taken vacation starting the day before she was born, so at least I had him home for the first 5 days after I got discharged. Then the fun began.
He has to be to work at 1am. I am up every 3 hours to nurse the baby. Trinity then contracted her 1st case of croup and he had to take the day off to take her to the ER for treatment. He worked an extra day to make up for the lost day so he didn't lose his full salary. Then 3 weeks later another case of croup, followed by Destiny refusing a bottle meaning the appointment I had scheduled to have the Essure procedure done had to be cancelled. Gary again took Trinity to the ER for the croup, then 2 days later we had her at the doctor for a follow-up and more meds. Gary chose to stay home the day of the cancelled appointment and work the next day, but someone forgot to tell his lead boss that it was to make up for one of the 2 missed days, so the next paycheck was $400 SHORT!! BUT, before we knew about the paycheck, the hot water heater bit the dust and started dumping hot water all over the floor. So, for 3 weeks I had to heat water on the stove to do dishes or take baths. Talk about stress!!!! Then we found out his father, who had asked us to add a 3rd line to our cell phone plan, REMOVED HIS PHONE FROM THE PLAN, COSTING $180!! ON TOP OF THE 5 MONTHS HE ALREADY OWED FOR HIS PORTION OF THE BILL, COMES OUT TO $400!! AND HE KEEPS SAYING HE DOESN'T HAVE THE MONEY!!!
Fast-forward 10 days. I'm telling Trinity for the thousandth time, it seems, that NO, YOU MAY NOT HAVE CHIPS FOR BREAKFAST, when I discovered I had doubled up my fist and was on the verge of hitting her. STEP BACK!! WALK AWAY!!! GO OUTSIDE!!! Two days later I am walking the floor for 4 hours with a fussy baby when I caught myself reaching around her and almost putting my hand over her mouth, just to get her to stop crying. STEP BACK!! PUT HER DOWN IN HER BED!! WALK AWAY!! GO OUTSIDE AND COOL OFF!! The next day, just 2 days ago, I called the doctor because that shit is scary as hell. It's like I wasn't in my own body, but floating above and watching what was happening to someone who looked like me but sure as hell wasn't acting like me. They told me to go to the ER to be evaluated. Well, after dinner, off we went. We were there for 4 hours when they gave me the option of being admitted for a 72 hour evaluation WITHOUT THE BABY or going home and attempting to get treatment on an outpatient basis. Obviously, I chose to go home, fully intending to go to the center the next day. Well, we all got up on Saturday, after me spending yet another night walking the floor until well after 2am, and had breakfast. Things were so-so. I was tired and irritable. We went to our storage to make sure that they had remembered to take it off the auction list. Gary wanted to stay for the auction, "just to watch one in person". He went inside to find out how long until it started and COMES OUT WITH A BIDDER NUMBER!! Oh hell no!! We can't afford our bills and he's got a bidder number!!!! Destiny started to fuss because she really hates to be in the carseat if we aren't going anywhere. I got out of the truck and got her out of the seat and climbed back in. I pulled the door handle and let the door close. Gary's standing outside the truck and Trinity is "driving" when the door shuts and Gary says "Why do you have to slam the door all the time?" I lost it. All I could say was TAKE ME HOME!! JUST TAKE ME HOME!! He gets Trinity and buckles her into her carseat, and gets behind the wheel and starts the truck. I get out to put Destiny back in her seat and he asks me where I am going. In the new typical fashion of late I reply "Putting the baby back in her seat dumb f*ck, unless you want us to lose the kids because you are driving down the street with me holding the baby in my arms. Or better yet, how about I call CPS and have them come take the kids since you don't care about their safety?" I get her in the seat and get back in the truck and here we go out the gate. We get close to the intersection where you turn left to go to our house only he's not getting in the turn lane. I asked him where he was going and he said he was taking me to that facility!!! Knowing fully well that the baby was screaming in the backseat wanting to eat. Trinity starts telling us to be quiet, the baby's crying. I turn in my seat and tell her she needs to just shut up, she's 4 years old. Gary then gets right in my face and screams at me to SHUT THE F*CK UP!! I started to get my seatbelt undone as we were at a red light. I felt like either I get out of the truck or else I am going to hit him. I started walking away and he gets in the right turn lane and comes after me, asking me WHERE ARE YOU GOING. My response?? AWAY FROM YOU!!! He tells me GOODBYE THEN!! And drives off. I turn around and start walking home, about 1/2 mile. I saw him pull into the Quick Trip and start talking to the cops!! THEY CAME TO THE HOUSE TO TAKE ME FOR AN EVAL!! I told them I wasn't crazy, didn't need the eval, I wasn't going to hurt myself, that I was just PLAIN PISSED OFF and I needed to get away from him. They defused the situation and he left to go pay a couple of bills and I was at home with just Destiny, feeding her and getting her settled down. He called about 2 hours later to have me meet him at Walmart for the grocery shopping and MY CAR WON'T START!! Yeah, I think I've got something to stress about. He overdrew the bank account to get a water heater and now we have to figure out how to get the $200 deductible for the repairs on the car. And the best part............... I GOT THE EMAILED 5 DAY PAY OR QUIT NOTICE THAT HAD GONE TO MY SPAM FOLDER ON FRIDAY!! Yep, you guessed it. Need $750 or we will be evicted!! And he wonders why I am having ppd and mood swings??? HOW ABOUT THIS?? QUIT BEING LAZY!! DO YOUR JOB!! COLLECT YOUR PAYCHECK!!! PAY THE DAMNED BILLS!! STOP GETTING CRAP YOU WANT, SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU WANT IT!!! BE A MAN!! Best part of all of this??? My medicaid runs out 10/31!! And I won't have insurance unless he decides to find his balls and we get married. UGH!!!
