Why??

I tried again to reach out to my oldest daughter. Here are the messages.

Hey honey. I'm not trying to butt in here, I just want you to add one of our accounts so we can see little Tobias when he gets here. And, what's wrong with your water heater? Hope the landlord can get it fixed quickly. I had to heat water on the stove for 6 weeks to bathe and do dishes because ours went out and we didn't have the money to replace it. Oh, and happy birthday a couple of days early.


If you don't want to add me, then could you please send me pictures to my cellphone?


my txting phone is going to be turned off. and might sound mean...but i don't want to deal with the drama like i did last time i added u...all the fighting and shit. i have enough stress in life right now than to deal w/ that all over again.




I'M BEING PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING I HAVEN'T DONE!!! Needless to say, every single account we have has been blocked by her because of her HUSBAND!!! He can't handle the truth so he starts a fight then turns it around that we, or rather I, start the fight. NOW I CAN'T EVEN GET INFORMATION ABOUT MY GRANDCHILDREN BECAUSE OF THAT PSYCHOPATH!! MOTHER FUCKER HAS MY DAUGHTER COMMITTED AFTER HE PUSHED AND PUSHED UNTIL SHE WAS ENRAGED AND THREATENED TO KILL HIM BUT I'M THE DRAMA STARTER????


WHY DID MY DAD HAVE TO DIE?? WHY WASN'T IT ME?? I'M THE ONE THAT MY ENTIRE FAMILY CAN'T STAND UNLESS I AM DOING SOMETHING FOR THEM!!!!

Been on a roller coast ride from HELL

Shortly before my last blog post, my father, who had been in the hospital for most of the year (160 days to be exact), came home. That was so much a relief to me. I thought he was getting better. He was sounding better and it was so damned nice to call the house and get his hearty "Horse and mule barn" as the way he answered the phone. Then, BLAM!!!! The props get kicked out from under me again. Thanksgiving day he was in the ER with severe abdominal cramping. They were not able to determine the cause, but after a bit of medication, it eased up and they sent him home. He had a bit of turkey and dressing and all the rest and the day went pretty good from then on. On Saturday, he woke up just not feeling well, was really tired. He spent the day resting either in bed or in his recliner. On Sunday, the gates of Hell opened up again. He was so weak he couldn't get to the bathroom on his own. Back to the ER he went. Once there, they determined he needed to be sent back to the ICU in Provo. Mother called me on her way to the house to get a few things together while he was transported by ambulance the 50 or so miles to the hospital. That Saturday was the last time I ever heard my father's voice. He had fluid on his lungs and the staph infection was coming back. They suctioned his lungs, making him throw up a few times in the process, and wound up having to put him on a ventilator. Pneumonia! They then put him on a special bed that would rotate him from his back to his stomach to help his lungs to inflate properly. EPIC FAILURE! They put him on continuous dialysis, hoping to clean all of the infection from his system. Didn't work! On 12/5 my mother called me and told me it was time for me to tell him goodbye. They planned to turn the machines off sometime in the next few days. That was the hardest phone call of my life. I told him how much I loved him, how much Gary loved him, how much the kids loved him and how we all knew how tired he was and that if he felt it was time to go, then we understood. I promised him that my brother and I would be there to take care of our mother and each other. I promised him that "Suzy" would know her Papa, I would see to that. On 12/8 they turned the machines off and 35 minutes later, 5:20pm MST, he peacefully passed away. I lost my daddy, the man I looked up to and admired my whole life. I was completely devastated. To make matters worse, I didn't have the funds to get a flight out for the memorial. My mom and brother asked me to write his obituary, something I never wanted to do, but I did it.

The next morning, I came into the kitchen and got my coffee. I went to sit down in front of the computer and froze in my tracks. I SMELLED MY FATHER'S COLOGNE!!! Gary doesn't wear that particular brand. Daddy hasn't even worn it in years because mother hasn't had access to an Avon representative to get more. Then I got this warm feeling and felt an easing of the pain. My daddy was here with me. I then realized he would always be with me as long as I had the memories of him. Does it still hurt? HELL YES IT DOES!! Will it ever get easier?? I can only hope and pray it does. To this day, I still can't talk about him without tearing up. I still hope to hear him answer the phone when I call my mom. But I know he's in a better place, he's not suffering anymore, and he's with his parents and other family members who have gone on before him.

Tomorrow I go to the OB/GYN for the annual invasion. I've been suffering with some pretty bad headaches for the last 4 months and as best as I can recall, they started right about the time I started taking the mini pill, so I plan to discuss that with him, and discuss stopping those pills. If my insides are slipping, I plan to have him schedule surgery to remove the slipping parts. Then I won't need the pills because there won't be a womb left. If it's not still slipping, I am going to talk to him about the odds of getting pregnant again while exclusively breastfeeding combined with my advanced age. I'm betting the odds are low. But I just can't deal with anymore pain, either physical or emotional. It's bad enough that I'm suffering with pretty intense pain in my left hip and I'm waiting for the Ortho appointment to get scheduled since my regular doctor did a referral 10 days ago. But, we are talking medicaid here, so no telling how long that will take to set up.

OK, off I go for now to take care of these children before they wake Gary up.