I tried again to reach out to my oldest daughter. Here are the messages.
Hey honey. I'm not trying to butt in here, I just want you to add one of our accounts so we can see little Tobias when he gets here. And, what's wrong with your water heater? Hope the landlord can get it fixed quickly. I had to heat water on the stove for 6 weeks to bathe and do dishes because ours went out and we didn't have the money to replace it. Oh, and happy birthday a couple of days early.
If you don't want to add me, then could you please send me pictures to my cellphone?
my txting phone is going to be turned off. and might sound mean...but i don't want to deal with the drama like i did last time i added u...all the fighting and shit. i have enough stress in life right now than to deal w/ that all over again.
I'M BEING PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING I HAVEN'T DONE!!! Needless to say, every single account we have has been blocked by her because of her HUSBAND!!! He can't handle the truth so he starts a fight then turns it around that we, or rather I, start the fight. NOW I CAN'T EVEN GET INFORMATION ABOUT MY GRANDCHILDREN BECAUSE OF THAT PSYCHOPATH!! MOTHER FUCKER HAS MY DAUGHTER COMMITTED AFTER HE PUSHED AND PUSHED UNTIL SHE WAS ENRAGED AND THREATENED TO KILL HIM BUT I'M THE DRAMA STARTER????
WHY DID MY DAD HAVE TO DIE?? WHY WASN'T IT ME?? I'M THE ONE THAT MY ENTIRE FAMILY CAN'T STAND UNLESS I AM DOING SOMETHING FOR THEM!!!!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Been on a roller coast ride from HELL
Shortly before my last blog post, my father, who had been in the hospital for most of the year (160 days to be exact), came home. That was so much a relief to me. I thought he was getting better. He was sounding better and it was so damned nice to call the house and get his hearty "Horse and mule barn" as the way he answered the phone. Then, BLAM!!!! The props get kicked out from under me again. Thanksgiving day he was in the ER with severe abdominal cramping. They were not able to determine the cause, but after a bit of medication, it eased up and they sent him home. He had a bit of turkey and dressing and all the rest and the day went pretty good from then on. On Saturday, he woke up just not feeling well, was really tired. He spent the day resting either in bed or in his recliner. On Sunday, the gates of Hell opened up again. He was so weak he couldn't get to the bathroom on his own. Back to the ER he went. Once there, they determined he needed to be sent back to the ICU in Provo. Mother called me on her way to the house to get a few things together while he was transported by ambulance the 50 or so miles to the hospital. That Saturday was the last time I ever heard my father's voice. He had fluid on his lungs and the staph infection was coming back. They suctioned his lungs, making him throw up a few times in the process, and wound up having to put him on a ventilator. Pneumonia! They then put him on a special bed that would rotate him from his back to his stomach to help his lungs to inflate properly. EPIC FAILURE! They put him on continuous dialysis, hoping to clean all of the infection from his system. Didn't work! On 12/5 my mother called me and told me it was time for me to tell him goodbye. They planned to turn the machines off sometime in the next few days. That was the hardest phone call of my life. I told him how much I loved him, how much Gary loved him, how much the kids loved him and how we all knew how tired he was and that if he felt it was time to go, then we understood. I promised him that my brother and I would be there to take care of our mother and each other. I promised him that "Suzy" would know her Papa, I would see to that. On 12/8 they turned the machines off and 35 minutes later, 5:20pm MST, he peacefully passed away. I lost my daddy, the man I looked up to and admired my whole life. I was completely devastated. To make matters worse, I didn't have the funds to get a flight out for the memorial. My mom and brother asked me to write his obituary, something I never wanted to do, but I did it.
The next morning, I came into the kitchen and got my coffee. I went to sit down in front of the computer and froze in my tracks. I SMELLED MY FATHER'S COLOGNE!!! Gary doesn't wear that particular brand. Daddy hasn't even worn it in years because mother hasn't had access to an Avon representative to get more. Then I got this warm feeling and felt an easing of the pain. My daddy was here with me. I then realized he would always be with me as long as I had the memories of him. Does it still hurt? HELL YES IT DOES!! Will it ever get easier?? I can only hope and pray it does. To this day, I still can't talk about him without tearing up. I still hope to hear him answer the phone when I call my mom. But I know he's in a better place, he's not suffering anymore, and he's with his parents and other family members who have gone on before him.
Tomorrow I go to the OB/GYN for the annual invasion. I've been suffering with some pretty bad headaches for the last 4 months and as best as I can recall, they started right about the time I started taking the mini pill, so I plan to discuss that with him, and discuss stopping those pills. If my insides are slipping, I plan to have him schedule surgery to remove the slipping parts. Then I won't need the pills because there won't be a womb left. If it's not still slipping, I am going to talk to him about the odds of getting pregnant again while exclusively breastfeeding combined with my advanced age. I'm betting the odds are low. But I just can't deal with anymore pain, either physical or emotional. It's bad enough that I'm suffering with pretty intense pain in my left hip and I'm waiting for the Ortho appointment to get scheduled since my regular doctor did a referral 10 days ago. But, we are talking medicaid here, so no telling how long that will take to set up.
OK, off I go for now to take care of these children before they wake Gary up.
The next morning, I came into the kitchen and got my coffee. I went to sit down in front of the computer and froze in my tracks. I SMELLED MY FATHER'S COLOGNE!!! Gary doesn't wear that particular brand. Daddy hasn't even worn it in years because mother hasn't had access to an Avon representative to get more. Then I got this warm feeling and felt an easing of the pain. My daddy was here with me. I then realized he would always be with me as long as I had the memories of him. Does it still hurt? HELL YES IT DOES!! Will it ever get easier?? I can only hope and pray it does. To this day, I still can't talk about him without tearing up. I still hope to hear him answer the phone when I call my mom. But I know he's in a better place, he's not suffering anymore, and he's with his parents and other family members who have gone on before him.
Tomorrow I go to the OB/GYN for the annual invasion. I've been suffering with some pretty bad headaches for the last 4 months and as best as I can recall, they started right about the time I started taking the mini pill, so I plan to discuss that with him, and discuss stopping those pills. If my insides are slipping, I plan to have him schedule surgery to remove the slipping parts. Then I won't need the pills because there won't be a womb left. If it's not still slipping, I am going to talk to him about the odds of getting pregnant again while exclusively breastfeeding combined with my advanced age. I'm betting the odds are low. But I just can't deal with anymore pain, either physical or emotional. It's bad enough that I'm suffering with pretty intense pain in my left hip and I'm waiting for the Ortho appointment to get scheduled since my regular doctor did a referral 10 days ago. But, we are talking medicaid here, so no telling how long that will take to set up.
OK, off I go for now to take care of these children before they wake Gary up.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
New to this so bear with me
I've never done a blog, but since things are going to hell in a speeding train that is running out of tracks, I figured this might help me keep from losing my mind. Sit back and enjoy the ride, it's sure to be chaotic.
I've been doing pretty good postpartum wise until just about a week or so ago. I started to notice I wasn't as "happy" as I usually am. I noticed I was developing an I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FIG attitude about everything. I didn't care if I took a bath or shower. I didn't care if I ate. I didn't care if the house was clean. THAT IS SO NOT ME!! I chalked it up to the new routine of the new baby and Trinity starting school the same day I had the baby. Then the props started getting knocked out from under me one at a time.
Gary got bumped at work and his choices were pretty cut and dried. Either take an alternate position, with a $200 week pay cut, or find another job. Well, he took the alternate position and we started tightening the belt.
I gave birth quite rapidly to my beautiful daughter Destiny at 1:16am on 8/20 and Trinity started her first day of school the same day. Gary barely made it to the hospital in time to be there as Destiny made her grand entrance, a full 20 minutes BEFORE the doctor arrived. He had taken vacation starting the day before she was born, so at least I had him home for the first 5 days after I got discharged. Then the fun began.
He has to be to work at 1am. I am up every 3 hours to nurse the baby. Trinity then contracted her 1st case of croup and he had to take the day off to take her to the ER for treatment. He worked an extra day to make up for the lost day so he didn't lose his full salary. Then 3 weeks later another case of croup, followed by Destiny refusing a bottle meaning the appointment I had scheduled to have the Essure procedure done had to be cancelled. Gary again took Trinity to the ER for the croup, then 2 days later we had her at the doctor for a follow-up and more meds. Gary chose to stay home the day of the cancelled appointment and work the next day, but someone forgot to tell his lead boss that it was to make up for one of the 2 missed days, so the next paycheck was $400 SHORT!! BUT, before we knew about the paycheck, the hot water heater bit the dust and started dumping hot water all over the floor. So, for 3 weeks I had to heat water on the stove to do dishes or take baths. Talk about stress!!!! Then we found out his father, who had asked us to add a 3rd line to our cell phone plan, REMOVED HIS PHONE FROM THE PLAN, COSTING $180!! ON TOP OF THE 5 MONTHS HE ALREADY OWED FOR HIS PORTION OF THE BILL, COMES OUT TO $400!! AND HE KEEPS SAYING HE DOESN'T HAVE THE MONEY!!!
Fast-forward 10 days. I'm telling Trinity for the thousandth time, it seems, that NO, YOU MAY NOT HAVE CHIPS FOR BREAKFAST, when I discovered I had doubled up my fist and was on the verge of hitting her. STEP BACK!! WALK AWAY!!! GO OUTSIDE!!! Two days later I am walking the floor for 4 hours with a fussy baby when I caught myself reaching around her and almost putting my hand over her mouth, just to get her to stop crying. STEP BACK!! PUT HER DOWN IN HER BED!! WALK AWAY!! GO OUTSIDE AND COOL OFF!! The next day, just 2 days ago, I called the doctor because that shit is scary as hell. It's like I wasn't in my own body, but floating above and watching what was happening to someone who looked like me but sure as hell wasn't acting like me. They told me to go to the ER to be evaluated. Well, after dinner, off we went. We were there for 4 hours when they gave me the option of being admitted for a 72 hour evaluation WITHOUT THE BABY or going home and attempting to get treatment on an outpatient basis. Obviously, I chose to go home, fully intending to go to the center the next day. Well, we all got up on Saturday, after me spending yet another night walking the floor until well after 2am, and had breakfast. Things were so-so. I was tired and irritable. We went to our storage to make sure that they had remembered to take it off the auction list. Gary wanted to stay for the auction, "just to watch one in person". He went inside to find out how long until it started and COMES OUT WITH A BIDDER NUMBER!! Oh hell no!! We can't afford our bills and he's got a bidder number!!!! Destiny started to fuss because she really hates to be in the carseat if we aren't going anywhere. I got out of the truck and got her out of the seat and climbed back in. I pulled the door handle and let the door close. Gary's standing outside the truck and Trinity is "driving" when the door shuts and Gary says "Why do you have to slam the door all the time?" I lost it. All I could say was TAKE ME HOME!! JUST TAKE ME HOME!! He gets Trinity and buckles her into her carseat, and gets behind the wheel and starts the truck. I get out to put Destiny back in her seat and he asks me where I am going. In the new typical fashion of late I reply "Putting the baby back in her seat dumb f*ck, unless you want us to lose the kids because you are driving down the street with me holding the baby in my arms. Or better yet, how about I call CPS and have them come take the kids since you don't care about their safety?" I get her in the seat and get back in the truck and here we go out the gate. We get close to the intersection where you turn left to go to our house only he's not getting in the turn lane. I asked him where he was going and he said he was taking me to that facility!!! Knowing fully well that the baby was screaming in the backseat wanting to eat. Trinity starts telling us to be quiet, the baby's crying. I turn in my seat and tell her she needs to just shut up, she's 4 years old. Gary then gets right in my face and screams at me to SHUT THE F*CK UP!! I started to get my seatbelt undone as we were at a red light. I felt like either I get out of the truck or else I am going to hit him. I started walking away and he gets in the right turn lane and comes after me, asking me WHERE ARE YOU GOING. My response?? AWAY FROM YOU!!! He tells me GOODBYE THEN!! And drives off. I turn around and start walking home, about 1/2 mile. I saw him pull into the Quick Trip and start talking to the cops!! THEY CAME TO THE HOUSE TO TAKE ME FOR AN EVAL!! I told them I wasn't crazy, didn't need the eval, I wasn't going to hurt myself, that I was just PLAIN PISSED OFF and I needed to get away from him. They defused the situation and he left to go pay a couple of bills and I was at home with just Destiny, feeding her and getting her settled down. He called about 2 hours later to have me meet him at Walmart for the grocery shopping and MY CAR WON'T START!! Yeah, I think I've got something to stress about. He overdrew the bank account to get a water heater and now we have to figure out how to get the $200 deductible for the repairs on the car. And the best part............... I GOT THE EMAILED 5 DAY PAY OR QUIT NOTICE THAT HAD GONE TO MY SPAM FOLDER ON FRIDAY!! Yep, you guessed it. Need $750 or we will be evicted!! And he wonders why I am having ppd and mood swings??? HOW ABOUT THIS?? QUIT BEING LAZY!! DO YOUR JOB!! COLLECT YOUR PAYCHECK!!! PAY THE DAMNED BILLS!! STOP GETTING CRAP YOU WANT, SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU WANT IT!!! BE A MAN!! Best part of all of this??? My medicaid runs out 10/31!! And I won't have insurance unless he decides to find his balls and we get married. UGH!!!
I've been doing pretty good postpartum wise until just about a week or so ago. I started to notice I wasn't as "happy" as I usually am. I noticed I was developing an I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FIG attitude about everything. I didn't care if I took a bath or shower. I didn't care if I ate. I didn't care if the house was clean. THAT IS SO NOT ME!! I chalked it up to the new routine of the new baby and Trinity starting school the same day I had the baby. Then the props started getting knocked out from under me one at a time.
Gary got bumped at work and his choices were pretty cut and dried. Either take an alternate position, with a $200 week pay cut, or find another job. Well, he took the alternate position and we started tightening the belt.
I gave birth quite rapidly to my beautiful daughter Destiny at 1:16am on 8/20 and Trinity started her first day of school the same day. Gary barely made it to the hospital in time to be there as Destiny made her grand entrance, a full 20 minutes BEFORE the doctor arrived. He had taken vacation starting the day before she was born, so at least I had him home for the first 5 days after I got discharged. Then the fun began.
He has to be to work at 1am. I am up every 3 hours to nurse the baby. Trinity then contracted her 1st case of croup and he had to take the day off to take her to the ER for treatment. He worked an extra day to make up for the lost day so he didn't lose his full salary. Then 3 weeks later another case of croup, followed by Destiny refusing a bottle meaning the appointment I had scheduled to have the Essure procedure done had to be cancelled. Gary again took Trinity to the ER for the croup, then 2 days later we had her at the doctor for a follow-up and more meds. Gary chose to stay home the day of the cancelled appointment and work the next day, but someone forgot to tell his lead boss that it was to make up for one of the 2 missed days, so the next paycheck was $400 SHORT!! BUT, before we knew about the paycheck, the hot water heater bit the dust and started dumping hot water all over the floor. So, for 3 weeks I had to heat water on the stove to do dishes or take baths. Talk about stress!!!! Then we found out his father, who had asked us to add a 3rd line to our cell phone plan, REMOVED HIS PHONE FROM THE PLAN, COSTING $180!! ON TOP OF THE 5 MONTHS HE ALREADY OWED FOR HIS PORTION OF THE BILL, COMES OUT TO $400!! AND HE KEEPS SAYING HE DOESN'T HAVE THE MONEY!!!
Fast-forward 10 days. I'm telling Trinity for the thousandth time, it seems, that NO, YOU MAY NOT HAVE CHIPS FOR BREAKFAST, when I discovered I had doubled up my fist and was on the verge of hitting her. STEP BACK!! WALK AWAY!!! GO OUTSIDE!!! Two days later I am walking the floor for 4 hours with a fussy baby when I caught myself reaching around her and almost putting my hand over her mouth, just to get her to stop crying. STEP BACK!! PUT HER DOWN IN HER BED!! WALK AWAY!! GO OUTSIDE AND COOL OFF!! The next day, just 2 days ago, I called the doctor because that shit is scary as hell. It's like I wasn't in my own body, but floating above and watching what was happening to someone who looked like me but sure as hell wasn't acting like me. They told me to go to the ER to be evaluated. Well, after dinner, off we went. We were there for 4 hours when they gave me the option of being admitted for a 72 hour evaluation WITHOUT THE BABY or going home and attempting to get treatment on an outpatient basis. Obviously, I chose to go home, fully intending to go to the center the next day. Well, we all got up on Saturday, after me spending yet another night walking the floor until well after 2am, and had breakfast. Things were so-so. I was tired and irritable. We went to our storage to make sure that they had remembered to take it off the auction list. Gary wanted to stay for the auction, "just to watch one in person". He went inside to find out how long until it started and COMES OUT WITH A BIDDER NUMBER!! Oh hell no!! We can't afford our bills and he's got a bidder number!!!! Destiny started to fuss because she really hates to be in the carseat if we aren't going anywhere. I got out of the truck and got her out of the seat and climbed back in. I pulled the door handle and let the door close. Gary's standing outside the truck and Trinity is "driving" when the door shuts and Gary says "Why do you have to slam the door all the time?" I lost it. All I could say was TAKE ME HOME!! JUST TAKE ME HOME!! He gets Trinity and buckles her into her carseat, and gets behind the wheel and starts the truck. I get out to put Destiny back in her seat and he asks me where I am going. In the new typical fashion of late I reply "Putting the baby back in her seat dumb f*ck, unless you want us to lose the kids because you are driving down the street with me holding the baby in my arms. Or better yet, how about I call CPS and have them come take the kids since you don't care about their safety?" I get her in the seat and get back in the truck and here we go out the gate. We get close to the intersection where you turn left to go to our house only he's not getting in the turn lane. I asked him where he was going and he said he was taking me to that facility!!! Knowing fully well that the baby was screaming in the backseat wanting to eat. Trinity starts telling us to be quiet, the baby's crying. I turn in my seat and tell her she needs to just shut up, she's 4 years old. Gary then gets right in my face and screams at me to SHUT THE F*CK UP!! I started to get my seatbelt undone as we were at a red light. I felt like either I get out of the truck or else I am going to hit him. I started walking away and he gets in the right turn lane and comes after me, asking me WHERE ARE YOU GOING. My response?? AWAY FROM YOU!!! He tells me GOODBYE THEN!! And drives off. I turn around and start walking home, about 1/2 mile. I saw him pull into the Quick Trip and start talking to the cops!! THEY CAME TO THE HOUSE TO TAKE ME FOR AN EVAL!! I told them I wasn't crazy, didn't need the eval, I wasn't going to hurt myself, that I was just PLAIN PISSED OFF and I needed to get away from him. They defused the situation and he left to go pay a couple of bills and I was at home with just Destiny, feeding her and getting her settled down. He called about 2 hours later to have me meet him at Walmart for the grocery shopping and MY CAR WON'T START!! Yeah, I think I've got something to stress about. He overdrew the bank account to get a water heater and now we have to figure out how to get the $200 deductible for the repairs on the car. And the best part............... I GOT THE EMAILED 5 DAY PAY OR QUIT NOTICE THAT HAD GONE TO MY SPAM FOLDER ON FRIDAY!! Yep, you guessed it. Need $750 or we will be evicted!! And he wonders why I am having ppd and mood swings??? HOW ABOUT THIS?? QUIT BEING LAZY!! DO YOUR JOB!! COLLECT YOUR PAYCHECK!!! PAY THE DAMNED BILLS!! STOP GETTING CRAP YOU WANT, SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU WANT IT!!! BE A MAN!! Best part of all of this??? My medicaid runs out 10/31!! And I won't have insurance unless he decides to find his balls and we get married. UGH!!!
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